CROOSH!

Time Can Change Me, But I Can't Change Time

Things can really change drastically in short periods of time.
I write for myself. And only myself.

David is (ironically) out of my life, for good. It usually happens like this. It's like a switch goes off in my body, and I don't feel anymore. When I saw him last, it was nice. But not good enough. And that leaves me where I am today. I have come to see that he is too far away to be saved. It's not me. It's not going to be me. I will forever have a part of me that feels completely empty inside. David has drained me. He has lost me, and he knows it. I will look back on this months or years from now and hopefully appreciate the good. How on top of the world he made me feel at times. How he was the first person I completely gave myself to, inside and out. He has taught me so many things about myself and people. It was the "kind of love that weakens your soul, that makes you reach for more." I'm listening to CoCoRosie "Terrible Angel," and this song played one night at his apartment again and again, its like every time I woke up it seemed to be playing. Our bodies would fit so right. Even when we slept it was in some crazy intertwined position, as if never close enough.

I can't wait to feel that way again.

It saddens me to know I'm moving on. It's the most depressing feeling of relief. I imagine I'll still think about him every day. NYC is much associated to him for me. He was it for me here. He;s now going to wake up every morning with 1 less. One that was real.

But I did it first so it wouldn't be done to me.




"I'm waiting for you"

"To Do What?"

"Leave me"

"I'm not going to leave you, I totally love you. What is this?"

"Please let me come, I want to be there for you. Are you ashamed of me?

"Of course not, I told you- I want to be alone"

"Why?"

"To grieve, to think"

"I love you, why won't you let me?"

"It's only a weekend.."

"..Why won't you let me love you?"

Only the one who hurts you, Can make you feel better

I feel like I've been having really good luck lately.
Now, of course, I just threw all of it out the window by acknowledging that
But, I'm just feeling really great. Is it my happy pills?

David is in Germany. Don't ask.. He was so wonderful the other day. Round 2 is going to go a lot smoother.
And it will because I've learned from my mistakes and he's been knocked down. We're both at a much more "real" point.
He is truly such an amazingly complex person- I've stopped expecting people to really get that. They never will.
And frankly, I am the only one who needs to. I'm fucking happy and happy with him in my life. He has become such a huge part of my life- my adult life. The one I started here in New York- and I'm grateful for that.

I feel like I have mass amounts of money, probably the only one who feels like that on the planet. I'm contemplating buying another Marc bag, I need a neutral colour one.

I'm very unmotivated at school this semester. My classes are dumb. How many weeks left?
Hopefully next semester will be better!
I have to make my deposit for my Milan-Paris-Como trip soon!!

I want to buy a faux fur and I weigh 108 lbs.

I also really can't wait to see the movie Revolutionary Road with Leo and Kate! Luve!