“INSECURITIES OF THE MOST SECURE”

I have sat on my bed many nights, listening to Frank Sinatra, simply just thinking about the newest and most difficult phase of my life so far. It is really something when you see how quickly things can change and do change. In the 2nd largest city (by population, yes I did my research) in the world, it’s amazing how lonely you can feel. Of course you are constantly surrounded by people walking, talking, taxis, cars, sirens, lights, music, etc., but it all becomes extremely immune to you. It’s like a huge contradiction, because while all this is happening around me- at the same time, it’s the loudest sound of silence. But then I remember this is essentially what I came here for. I came here to start over. Lose all connections from my past and start fresh. But I guess sometimes things that you think you need the most, are really just a handful of jumbled ideas in your head that you have convinced yourself are needs- when really are simply wants. And although NYC is not as bad (from what I hear) as West Coast mentality and tendencies, this city is full of coldness & superficiality. And on top of coping to a new environment and lifestyle, that’s not necessarily the most welcoming mentality to step into and be expected to have. The one thing I will never forget is about 4 weeks after moving here, I was walking with my best friend and roommate down 65th Street. As we were walking, an older man randomly came up to us and asked me for directions. Now besides the fact that at this point, I was already thrilled when people would ask meee for directions because, here I was new to the city myself, but obviously “looked” as if I was from the city. However, I was wrong. After I gave the man proper directions, he then said to me “You must not be from here.” And I laughed and replied back with “Hm, why do you say that?” And his answer was “Because you are smiling.” Apparently that was the biggest giveaway. Because “true New Yokers” aren’t glowing as they walk down the street. At first I thought that was silly and untrue, but after a year of living here, I can tell you I don’t glow down the street anymore. And it’s not that my life has progressively gotten worse or I am depressed, this city just exhausts you. At least that’s the only reasoning I can give for it. Here when there are so many people, you just mind to your own business. You do what you have to do, go where you have to go, and call it a day. And that is 1 aspect that I think it takes a certain kind of person to be able to tolerate. Personally, I love it. I am a very confidential person so there is no need for small talk. But then that goes back to- well, how am I supposed to meet people in this city then? And actually, again ironically, the way I socially began to network was from walking on the street 1 night in Chelsea and started small talk with a group of guys that I’m still friends with today. However, my main objective for all this was to discuss how people here have a tendency to put an emphasis on the trivial things in life. Such as only wearing high-end clothing and commenting how designers such as “Prada” and “Chloe” are beneath you. Or even how when you are out at clubs, girls, let me correct myself *little girls will latch on to their men like leeches if you dance near. Or how botox can seem necessary when you haven’t even reached the “Over The Hill” mark. Or how money can outweigh love in your relationship. Or how even as you walk down the street or stand on the subway, you’ll get the occasional “grill down” from a nearby passenger. I’ve even had it happen wear you will be sitting and someone across from you will take notice to something on you, whether it was my nose ring or high heeled boots I am wearing, and will completely disregard that you are sitting 3 ft. away from them and they will strike up a conversation about their chosen subject. Maybe I expect too much from people or give them the benefit of the doubt far too often but humans just enthrall me. Although I am guilty of a few of these things myself, I feel that when people lose that intimate, daily, one-on-one interaction with one another we become robots. And it may be the small town girl coming out in me, but I could never imagine, as a girl, expecting to be taken out to luxurious restaurants weekly. Or never saying please and thank you- even when it’s not necessary. I like to credit this to the fact that I was brought up in a fabulous family, which it is to an extent. But I would also like to think that it’s common respect and courtesy as friend, girlfriend, wife, mother, and so on. And this then reminds me of the stereotype us East Coast girls have of being “stuck up.” It may be factual but then there are those females who are independent, confident, intelligent, and secure who don’t take things for granted and treat everyday, as it’s their last.