You're My Favorite Mistake

I am taking 21 credits next semester, all fashion courses. Should be fun?!
I need to put together my fashion art design portfolio by Dec.8th on YSL
I bought a new Marc Jacobs RED clutch, perfection.
I am going to ask my daddy for a pair of Louboutin's for Christmas!
I have a new job at this great spot in meatpacking, start in January!
I sorta can't wait for Luke to get back from Minnesota
I have every man I don't want wrapped around my finger
I can't wait to go to the interview/open call
I ate a bagel and soup all day- my nose is runny
I am going back home tomorrow for 48 hours
I somehow still find David's cards all over my bedroom all over the floor
I need to dye my hair again
I am going to get a beer belly from all the Corona I drink, daily.
I can't wait to see Nik & Lil tomorrow
I like video chatting with my Dad
I love my kittens more than breathing
I have to finish packing

I Want You

Today is not a good day. I think I am going to try and get tattooed this week.
I really miss David.
And I knew this was coming.

That one comes home on Tuesday. That one was supposed to come into my work yesterday. That one is in a relationship he doesn't want to be in. That one is just a good time.

If I don't have something to immediately satisfy me or distract me, I go back to what I know. And I'm trying to break that habit. But he is so easy to go back to. Because lately it seems a lot easier to be disappointed than ecstatic. My moments of happiness are short these days. Today I felt like calling him just to tell him how much I hate him, wish nothing but the worst for him, and also that I miss him. Too bad I didn't. Instead I'll just lay in my bed and stare.

Im going to say it once again til I instill it
I know Im going to feel this way until you kill it

The other ones are nice. Just new, I don't know how I feel about that- for real.
I guess what's bothering me the most is the fact that I proved myself right. Normally I would bluff a lot, say certain things just because I knew they weren't true. But now I am realizing all the times I said "he doesn't give a shit about me," are turning out to be right on point.

Being right has never felt so awful

CROOSH!

Time Can Change Me, But I Can't Change Time

Things can really change drastically in short periods of time.
I write for myself. And only myself.

David is (ironically) out of my life, for good. It usually happens like this. It's like a switch goes off in my body, and I don't feel anymore. When I saw him last, it was nice. But not good enough. And that leaves me where I am today. I have come to see that he is too far away to be saved. It's not me. It's not going to be me. I will forever have a part of me that feels completely empty inside. David has drained me. He has lost me, and he knows it. I will look back on this months or years from now and hopefully appreciate the good. How on top of the world he made me feel at times. How he was the first person I completely gave myself to, inside and out. He has taught me so many things about myself and people. It was the "kind of love that weakens your soul, that makes you reach for more." I'm listening to CoCoRosie "Terrible Angel," and this song played one night at his apartment again and again, its like every time I woke up it seemed to be playing. Our bodies would fit so right. Even when we slept it was in some crazy intertwined position, as if never close enough.

I can't wait to feel that way again.

It saddens me to know I'm moving on. It's the most depressing feeling of relief. I imagine I'll still think about him every day. NYC is much associated to him for me. He was it for me here. He;s now going to wake up every morning with 1 less. One that was real.

But I did it first so it wouldn't be done to me.




"I'm waiting for you"

"To Do What?"

"Leave me"

"I'm not going to leave you, I totally love you. What is this?"

"Please let me come, I want to be there for you. Are you ashamed of me?

"Of course not, I told you- I want to be alone"

"Why?"

"To grieve, to think"

"I love you, why won't you let me?"

"It's only a weekend.."

"..Why won't you let me love you?"

Only the one who hurts you, Can make you feel better

I feel like I've been having really good luck lately.
Now, of course, I just threw all of it out the window by acknowledging that
But, I'm just feeling really great. Is it my happy pills?

David is in Germany. Don't ask.. He was so wonderful the other day. Round 2 is going to go a lot smoother.
And it will because I've learned from my mistakes and he's been knocked down. We're both at a much more "real" point.
He is truly such an amazingly complex person- I've stopped expecting people to really get that. They never will.
And frankly, I am the only one who needs to. I'm fucking happy and happy with him in my life. He has become such a huge part of my life- my adult life. The one I started here in New York- and I'm grateful for that.

I feel like I have mass amounts of money, probably the only one who feels like that on the planet. I'm contemplating buying another Marc bag, I need a neutral colour one.

I'm very unmotivated at school this semester. My classes are dumb. How many weeks left?
Hopefully next semester will be better!
I have to make my deposit for my Milan-Paris-Como trip soon!!

I want to buy a faux fur and I weigh 108 lbs.

I also really can't wait to see the movie Revolutionary Road with Leo and Kate! Luve!

Week 3 = Today.

My biffy Brittany came to visit me the past 2 days. It was a lovely break from shitshow life, we went to Coney Island, went on rides, ate tons of greasy food, and got t-shirts made. Also ate really yummyyummy veg food- I have a new hot spot. No telling!

But Today was a Good day.

I met tonight with Luis who I just shot with last week to view my prints from the shoot. Incredible photos. I am so pleased. I can not wait to add them to my portfolio. He gave me one of the best compliments tonight that I have ever received. I was sitting waiting in Starbucks, with a tank top which I got stains all over from work earlier, my hair curly, dirty, and tied back with a headband thrown in there. No make-up..in fact, a pimple on my right cheek that I can see out of the bottom of my eye which is very annoying and distracting. Nonetheless, sitting there, greasy and exhausted- Luis walks in, sits down and says "You look like a mess- but so unbelievably beautiful"

I have yoga tomorrow morning and then I am going to travel to see my parents.

My new place (esp. bedroom) is still in boxes.

I saw my blonde one twice this week- it was really nice. Nice, nice, nice


Tonight I got notified that my voicemails from David would be deleted- was asked whether I wanted to resave or delete permanently.
And I was thinking, that'd be real cool if relationships worked like voicemails. And I had a choice like that.
I just, miss him.

Right now, I'm really feeling Madonna '90-'94

I Realize What I Am Too Smart To Mention To You

I should really be packing up my apartment instead of bumming on the couch. I just have no energy to do anything. Everything seems like a huge task to me. I wish I'd stop acting like a baby. Because I really do have many good things happening for me right now. I'm just still so sad. Functional, but terribly sad. It's only been a little over a week and it's destroying me. I think I have a tendency to get stuck on things; maybe they're habits. Almost treat anything surrounding me like a drug. I suppose that would be called an addictive personality? But what's scary is that I recognize it, just can't kick it. I'm fucking losing it- want to jump out of my fucking skin. And I ate too much today. Did you ever listen to music so much, day in and day out- and wait for yourself to get sick of it, but you never do? Every single one of Fiona Apple's albums are the soundtrack(s) to my life. However, that may be for other weird reasons. Everything about David is right there out in the open for me to know. And I honestly think that makes things harder and worse. Maybe a lot of things are better left unsaid & unknown? Because when you care too much about something you find out things you don't want to know. I always say, if I could have 1 magical power it would be to see into the future or read peoples minds so that I could adjust my life and doings to their best. But I guess that would fall into the same concept that I would see what I wouldn't want to see. I don't know man, it's tough. For now this will sum it up..

View Perfection

Yeah,

The past few days have sucked, I feel very numb?
I just don't feel the need to do anymore. I don't feel the need to feel anymore.
I am so dissatisfied, uncomfortable, discontent in my own body.
My relationship (or lack there of) has taken over my insides.
I'm not really analyzing anything. I'm just accepting. Plain and simple.
I feel like nothing outside of this affects me, even slightly.

I read an interview today with Barack Obama
He rules.


The only music I listen to is Fiona Apple. And it gives me a really *satisfying uncomfortable feeling inside. I need something new

My time is so consumed with everything. I never have a break. Between meetings with photographers, work at the cafe, fall semester starting soon. Ay. I have a photoshoot in a couple weeks. And I move into my new apartment next week.

Last night I grabbed some dinner at Whole Foods by myself coming home from a meeting, and while sitting there these 3 guys asked me why I was eating alone and told me I should brush my hair. Okay. Afterwards I walked down his street on my way home. His bike was parked outside and his bedroom light was on. It didn't make me feel better or worse.


Something has to give. Whether its me or him

Fool me once - shame on you! Fool me twice - shame on me!

Dear You,

I wish you weren't an extremely insecure little boy, Who feels he has something to prove to the world.

I wish you didn't devote all your love and energy to things that will eventually die out: fame, fortune

I wish you would examine your life and see that you missed out on genuine relationships and people

I wish you would tell me the truth

I wish you were human

I wish you weren't so predictable all the time

I wish you would rid of all the pictures you have of me

I wish you cared enough to mean what you say

I wish you wouldn't tell me that I shouldn't eat so unhealthy

I wish you wouldn't use my name when you speak to me

I wish you never met my Mom

I wish you were here

I wish you wouldn't always grab my hand

I wish you would remember

I wish you gave me a chance

I wish you would stop repeating yourself or asking me questions over and over

I wish you had the ability to change

I wish you wouldn't say sorry

I wish you wouldn't talk to her when I'm around

I wish you thought I was the reason

I wish you didn't have so much influence over me and my decisions

I wish you wouldn't play hip-hop at 8 AM

I wish you didn't fall asleep so easy

I wish you wouldn't laugh the way you do when you're on the phone with Harmony

I wish you weren't liked by people

I wish you weren't so easily amused

I wish you were actually confident

I wish you didn't have ugly faded tattoos of their names on your chest

I wish you wouldn't always talk about my eyes all the time

I wish you saw how lucky you were

I wish you would see you're running out of time

I wish you weren't so dominating

I wish you were happy

I wish you would let me be there

I wish you didn't always leave me questioning

I wish you didn't eat every meal with chopsticks

I wish you didn't make me feel so comfortable

I wish you saying my name wasn't so reassuring

I wish you didn't treat every time we hang out as if it's the first time

I wish you didn't snore so loud that I can't sleep

I wish you weren't so difficult

I wish you wouldn't make me make decisions

I wish you never referred to me as baby

I wish you would say things to me you said when we first met

I wish you wouldn't try to be funny

I wish you never made me smile

I wish you didn't make me cry all the time

I wish you would grow up

I wish you could hear me

I wish I could have you, all of you.

Better That I Break A Window, Than Him.. Or Her.. Or Me.

I'm an Extraordinary Machine

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
- But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

I have too been playing with fifty-two cards
- Just cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I've got, I've got no reason to guard
What could I do, but spend my best

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake, appeared the touch and call
Of a different breed
One who set to get me wise, and got me there
And then, got me

And what a thing, to know what could be instead
Oh, what a blessed curse; to see
It took the agenda from its place in my bed
Made a merry paramour of me

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards
O' sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for
Giving me eyes to view it
As it goes by the boards

“INSECURITIES OF THE MOST SECURE”

I have sat on my bed many nights, listening to Frank Sinatra, simply just thinking about the newest and most difficult phase of my life so far. It is really something when you see how quickly things can change and do change. In the 2nd largest city (by population, yes I did my research) in the world, it’s amazing how lonely you can feel. Of course you are constantly surrounded by people walking, talking, taxis, cars, sirens, lights, music, etc., but it all becomes extremely immune to you. It’s like a huge contradiction, because while all this is happening around me- at the same time, it’s the loudest sound of silence. But then I remember this is essentially what I came here for. I came here to start over. Lose all connections from my past and start fresh. But I guess sometimes things that you think you need the most, are really just a handful of jumbled ideas in your head that you have convinced yourself are needs- when really are simply wants. And although NYC is not as bad (from what I hear) as West Coast mentality and tendencies, this city is full of coldness & superficiality. And on top of coping to a new environment and lifestyle, that’s not necessarily the most welcoming mentality to step into and be expected to have. The one thing I will never forget is about 4 weeks after moving here, I was walking with my best friend and roommate down 65th Street. As we were walking, an older man randomly came up to us and asked me for directions. Now besides the fact that at this point, I was already thrilled when people would ask meee for directions because, here I was new to the city myself, but obviously “looked” as if I was from the city. However, I was wrong. After I gave the man proper directions, he then said to me “You must not be from here.” And I laughed and replied back with “Hm, why do you say that?” And his answer was “Because you are smiling.” Apparently that was the biggest giveaway. Because “true New Yokers” aren’t glowing as they walk down the street. At first I thought that was silly and untrue, but after a year of living here, I can tell you I don’t glow down the street anymore. And it’s not that my life has progressively gotten worse or I am depressed, this city just exhausts you. At least that’s the only reasoning I can give for it. Here when there are so many people, you just mind to your own business. You do what you have to do, go where you have to go, and call it a day. And that is 1 aspect that I think it takes a certain kind of person to be able to tolerate. Personally, I love it. I am a very confidential person so there is no need for small talk. But then that goes back to- well, how am I supposed to meet people in this city then? And actually, again ironically, the way I socially began to network was from walking on the street 1 night in Chelsea and started small talk with a group of guys that I’m still friends with today. However, my main objective for all this was to discuss how people here have a tendency to put an emphasis on the trivial things in life. Such as only wearing high-end clothing and commenting how designers such as “Prada” and “Chloe” are beneath you. Or even how when you are out at clubs, girls, let me correct myself *little girls will latch on to their men like leeches if you dance near. Or how botox can seem necessary when you haven’t even reached the “Over The Hill” mark. Or how money can outweigh love in your relationship. Or how even as you walk down the street or stand on the subway, you’ll get the occasional “grill down” from a nearby passenger. I’ve even had it happen wear you will be sitting and someone across from you will take notice to something on you, whether it was my nose ring or high heeled boots I am wearing, and will completely disregard that you are sitting 3 ft. away from them and they will strike up a conversation about their chosen subject. Maybe I expect too much from people or give them the benefit of the doubt far too often but humans just enthrall me. Although I am guilty of a few of these things myself, I feel that when people lose that intimate, daily, one-on-one interaction with one another we become robots. And it may be the small town girl coming out in me, but I could never imagine, as a girl, expecting to be taken out to luxurious restaurants weekly. Or never saying please and thank you- even when it’s not necessary. I like to credit this to the fact that I was brought up in a fabulous family, which it is to an extent. But I would also like to think that it’s common respect and courtesy as friend, girlfriend, wife, mother, and so on. And this then reminds me of the stereotype us East Coast girls have of being “stuck up.” It may be factual but then there are those females who are independent, confident, intelligent, and secure who don’t take things for granted and treat everyday, as it’s their last.

He said "Are you done Pouting yet?"

Men suck. And are clueless when it comes to existing. They make the simplest things the most complex. I always thought of myself as an honest, straight-forward female- but apparently not honest or straight-forward enough? It confuses me to no extent. And leaves me extremely worn out, hopeless, and unambitious. I constantly find myself in these situations with no place to turn to. No direction or outcome seems satisfying enough. I have never questioned myself more than I have with my most recent relationship(s). It's amazing how one single other human can bring out the best and worst in you. I have never felt happier, utterly satisfied, and comfortable with someone than I do with him... While feeling things I never did before: jealous, insecure, inferior, and weak. I try to think they are all beneficial things for me to experience.

MUST DO! PERFECT LOVE!

TEASED PONYTAIL


EXTREME VOLUME


MESSY WAVES


SLEEK & STRAIGHT


WISPY BUN


_____________________________________________

P.S.

Take care of your hair. It's important. Nobody will love you if you have shitty hair. God gave it to you for a reason.

INVEST IN THESE!
Top Five Favourite Products:

1. Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream
2. Jonathan Product Texturizing Paste***
3. Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray
4. Oscar Blandi Trattamento al Fango
5. Bespoke Labs T3 Overnight Dryer

Guaranteed

Peace from The Adventures of Ghosthorse and Stillborn
















45 Wall St.















My 7 & 8















Modeling Gigs

















The feeling I get from















A Man that will Forever Disappoint me

Proper Matter

Life is really great.
I have been feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Or my eyes now see clearer than ever.
I have amazing things going on. No time or room in my life for nonsense trying to get me down.
"But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time"

SPRING-AHEAD 2009


Double Denim


Royal Rainbow



Peach Perfect


Bodysuit


Double-breasted



Bigger & Bolder




Pajama Party



Washed Out


Florals